Friday July 20, 2007
by Jason 'vanRijn' Kasper
2 Comments
I don’t think I’ve felt this low in a long, long time. In a lot of ways.
I know that this is not helped in the slightest by the fact that my darling bride has given me some kind of flu thing and that I’ve spent the last 24 hours in aching pain, horking up my lungs. Speaking of which, words cannot possibly express the horror that is vomiting. Like Jerry, I had one heck of a no-vomit streak going. It must have been at least 20 years. Seriously. But between the be-gifted flu (which has now spread to my poor, wonderful daughters and I fully expect to spread to my son in the next day), and the astoundingly horribly Burger King disaster of a lunch from yesterday, I quite unceremoniously puked my guts out, all night long, at 2-hour intervals. I don’t think there’s any other feeling of complete lack of control over one’s body and revulsion that I’ve ever experienced. So, yeah, I’ve got that going for me.
And while resting up in bed today (yeah, that makes you feel manly, virile, sexy, attractive, and cool, huh? staying in bed all day in your underwear, drinking water, ginger ale, and daring to try jello, all the while hoping you don’t have to go throw up again), I got an e-mail from Classmates (whom I won’t condone with a link) and decided to check out the graduating class that I was tragically unable to be a part of. Well, one thing led to another and I find some really amazing and cool stuff about Josh Cox.
I grew up in San Diego with my friends from Scott Memorial Baptist church in El Cajon. At some point in my early childhood, my parents and the Cox parents became friends and we’d periodically go over to the Cox house in El Cajon and have lunches/dinners/go swimming/play kickball in their culdesac, and some of my fondest growing-up memories were from these days. I was in the same grade as Josh’s sister Allison, and I think my bro and sis were in some of the 5 other Cox kids’ classes too). I was completely smitten with Allison (who introduced me to Pac-Man on her Atari). I was in Sunday school class with her on Sundays, and saw her around all the time, but I was too immature, stupid, dorky, geeky, and such to know how to talk to her or tell her how special she was. Boys in general don’t normally pull that off well, and I was the poster child for that malady. Unfortunately, I still have more painful memories of my failures during this part of my life than I’d care to.
And so, the story continues as my parents got a debilitating divorce, which took me away from my friends, my church, my SMBC friends, and in general, destroyed any sense of well-being, self-confidence, and self-image that I might have otherwise had. The story picks up a few years later as I entered High School. I was fortunate enough to attend one year at Christian High School where all of my old friends were going, but was so destroyed as a person and so embarrassed about myself that I was utterly unable to talk to my childhood friends and spent the next year in painful awareness of my inability to fit in. Anywhere. My parent’s raging divorce and custody battle spanned 7+ years of my life, and I was ruined. I was taken out of CHS the next year and was sent to a public high school, and subsequently ran away from home half-way into the next school year. I was never able to see or talk to Allison or the rest of my friends again. I was never able to explain my shame, sorrow, and hurt. I have always felt a tremendous loss from those days, and a hole that has never healed deep inside my soul. What ever happened to my friends? What are they doing now? Do they remember me? What do they think of me?
Blef.
So, coming back full-circle, today I found out that Josh Cox (like my brother Josh Kasper) is an amazing athlete. I think he stands a good chance of making it to the 2008 Olympics!?! And here I am lying in bed with Jello bowls, Schweppes cans, and water bottles hoping that I won’t have to throw up anymore, thankful that I didn’t have to go in to work today, and looking at this super athlete. It’s very difficult to not compare myself and find myself on a completely different scale of existence. Kind of the same feeling as the year I spent in high school, feeling like I’m supposed to be doing something better, different, etc., but I just can’t quite pull it off. Don’t know how to get there from here. Hoping I don’t do something stupid and embarrass myself in front of the people I care about.
I guess I feel like I’m in limbo, waiting for the next change to happen. I know what I want to do and be, but I can’t get myself there, it seems. I know that I am here only because God was gracious enough to lead me here, and I am thankful for that. But once again, I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something better and different. Like I’m supposed to be someone better and different. Like I’m not fitting in. Like I don’t know how to get there from here. Restless, again.
Oh, and as far as Josh Cox goes, seriously dude, you are awesome. I wish you the absolute best of luck. You inspire me. =:) While you’re out there, busy, training for the next 50-mile death marathon, I’ll be in here, gingerly eating some more Jello, trying to not throw up anymore.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you, my darling bride. People, this is my bride, Linda. Linda, this is the world. =:)
